then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
