There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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