Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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