The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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