I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
