i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
