cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
They took my balls.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
