dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Randomize