It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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