If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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