it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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