Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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