i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
