what day is it and did you see me today?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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