I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
