I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize