i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
