I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
