it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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