you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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