I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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