I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
