i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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