my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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