I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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