o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
