I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize