If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
my liver is dry heaving
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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