I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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