Swine flu. Run for my life!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
