I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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