First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
