It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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