the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
