I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
