What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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