I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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