By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
