Your face is a jimmy john
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
