I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
