He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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