I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
