what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
