dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm too high and old for this...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
