Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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