I want to make a zoo with you.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
