They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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