I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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