My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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