Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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