I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
