Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
