the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
