i think i have two assholes
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
