You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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