Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
