She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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