I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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