I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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