I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think a kid would responsible me up
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
