I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
