Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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