apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
