I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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