Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
