I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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