You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
